Thursday 4 November 2010

DOG HELP ME 3

JUST REWARDS INDEED!



I know for an absolute fact that my blood family is psychotically dysfunctional- perversely I take some pride in that, my life has never been attacked for being bland. Great. Exhausting but great. I am not the ubiquitous biscuit man. Forget everything you've seen in the award winning series 'SHAMELESS'- when I use the word dysfunctional I mean seriously dysfunctional not just after the watershed small-screen dysfunctional but clinically dysfunctional. It is PHD thesis material.


Here is a mini taster- my ex wife married me knowing I was gay- she wanted my children. We pre-nuptially agreed to be with each for ten years. Thirteen years and three daughters later we divorced. She became a vitriolic homophobe and a Mormon. Now she is married to a transgender pre-op male to female ex soldier and on Breakfast TV she had to admit to Eammon Holmes that she is a lesbian. They later married- perfectly legally because he/she is a he on his birth certificate. They wore matching meringue dresses and all my girls attended the ceremony. White stretch limo with fairy lights. I was not invited. This is but the tip of the giant iced cake-berg. Stay tuned for forthcoming crumbs.

Earlier I had the misfortune to tune in to BBC Radio 5 and find myself listening to Simon Mayo talking to Barbara Taylor Bradford an ageing handmaiden of Margaret Thatcher who to date has sold 82million books- the biggest selling being her first 'A Woman Of Substance'. This money machine harpy repeatedly referred to her 'work' and its importance to the emerging power plays of women within society. It was deeply sickening- I know many feminists and not one of them would put Ms Bradford's oevre in the top 100 of life changing reads for femmes. This bitch is inordinately rich and quite carried away by her own sense of importance. When asked who her other female role model was besides The Milk Snatcher she said Indira Ghandi. At this point I started flicking through Yellow Pages feeling in dire need of the services of an aesthetic exorcist. I rang Dave Kelso-Mitchell- in the circumstances he did remarkably well. Long live Paraphillia. Cotton-topped Barbara Bradford apparantly still has mountains to climb- dog help us all. She rises at 5am and writes for 12 hours every day. Well whoopee fucking doo. The liar. It's not work. It's not writing. It's an abuse of trees. Give it up lady and blatantly enjoy your ill-gotten gains like the rip-roaring self-obsessed capitalist twat you clearly are. As for helping second millennium women- fuck off. If you changed their lives at all by empowering them through chuck-up purple prose all you did was to turn them into disgruntled pains in the neck within their fawn marriages. Your own glittering success and the miraculous transformations of your unrealistic heroines are tall-tales in no way mirrored in the reality of your reader's ordinary lives.

GET THE FUCK OFF MY DIGITAL RADIO.


I lit patchouli joss-sticks. But then I'm 61. A wild[ISH]-child of the sixties.




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SERIOUSLY- SOME OF US ARE STILL KILLED FOR LOVE

HAVING A LAUGH

‎'Put your hands up any heteros in the house. Ah bless. Now put your fists up any gays in the house! Wow! That's more like it- marvellous. I've got this day job, a nice little earner- sales rep for KY Jelly. Look- I know it's a stretch madam but this is supposed to be a laugh. Don't tell me your self-lubricating you're in the OAP seats.' CM


'The fossil stand-up with a walking frame, John Rivers- who thinks jewellery should yell CHEAP louder than fucking canaries on acid said of Yoko Ono- if she found her floating in her pool then she'd punish her dog. I knew that heartless bitch could be cruel to dogs.' CM

THE QUEER MESSIAH BANNED

THE QUEER MESSIAH BANNED
Soon to be in an HMV store near you- we wish. NO CHANCE this version with Lee Plonker was disbanded. It has risen like a phoenix from the fires of disappointment though. YAY!

DUREX TINGLE LUBE

DUREX TINGLE LUBE
It works. Course I have. Fab.

THE RUMOUR-MONGERS TONGUE LASHING NEWS DESK

MORTAL INSTRUMENTS Such are the demands of Hollywood that Lily Collins has to continue to pretend that her former relationship with JCB is in fact alive. A little bird tells me it as a dead as a DODO which was a very big bird indeed. Ha. Just like the writer of Mortal Instruments. Believe me the best thing about this movie franchise will be LILY COLLINS who has just delivered the performance of her life in the soon to be released LOVE ROSIE. An Oscar nomination beckons I reckon. And yes, I am in a position to know. THE NEXT LAME DEVELOPMENT IN SELF-PUBLISHING Saddo outfits such as the much fanned ONEIROS BOOKS actually self-publish authors who are too cowardly, lazy, lousy or inept to self-publish themselves. HILARIOUS. Of course you have to get through the onerous filtering processes. Licking arse helps. Judging by this house's nauseatingly variable standard of output the filters in place are utterly worthless. The poetry editor has no understanding of POETRY per se and is a piss-poor poet by any standard. They openly applaud themselves for being revolutionary. Pathetic. They are but a further evolution of the self-affirmation model and the modernly sociopathic ego. Steer clear. Do not indulge their risible waste of tree.

ALWAYS PRACTICE

ALWAYS PRACTICE
until you're absolutely perfect at it.

HAVE FUN

HAVE FUN
with the total freedom to be and love who you are without complaint or restraint.

GOGGLE GIGGLE BOX CAMP FAVES

TOP 25 TUNES PREVIEWS

THE QUEER MESSIAH BANNED


QUEER MESSIAH BANNED PLAYER

This is where the first tracks for the new band will shortly appear but meanwhile I will be showcasing songs from prior collaborations- this first one CALIFORNIAN QUEEN is from the album CERULEAN BLUE that I wrote with the genius Dominic Shaw. I do the spoken word and he does the lead vocals and instruments. He is not a gay man and is now heavily into ambient music. The album was loved by Phil Collins, Hit and Run Music and EMI- but eight years ago no-one had any idea how to market it.