THE TIPPING POINT
ON A 'DARK' DAY I RASHLY POSTED THIS ON MY FB PROFILE WALL:-
'My 'giving' account is vastly in debt and it is very clear that I and the world and his robber dog have been taking conscious advantage of my generosity for far too long. How stultifying, suffocating, disappointing and downright boring is that! I foresee no change to better MY situation. YOU go on concentrating fully on YOUR lot- you are clearly so blinkered it may well be all you've got. NOT MY PROBLEM!' CM
LEE HARDING: [a friend [ I thought ] and my co-collaborator on THE QUEER MESSIAH BANNED music project which had been going for two years but had lately gone utterly moribund through no fault of my own.] swiftly replied:-
'Blimey, you ARE throwing your toys outta the pram aren't you! Have a rethink, dear mate - life CAN be a pile o' crap, but there ARE people who're having it worse than you or I - FACT.'
[At this juncture LH had no idea, no details of what very demanding real circumstances I was dealing with. And at no time was he going to enquire as to what the problem was- this from a 'friend' and a work colleague in a long-standing creative venture. Duh!]
CHRIS MADOCH: 'Like I need to be told that- it is something phenomenally unhelpful that I always make a point of refraining from telling anyone who is in pain or anguish. Shall I break my rule and try it on you next time you are in a dark place- you will not thank me for it. People experience various degrees of sufferance. They are clearly not me. Reminding patients of that banal fact is not part of the NHS Mental Health Handbook. You will be telling me to pull my socks up next. No wonder I despair.'
LEE HARDING: 'I'll leave you to wallow then Chris - there's obviously no bucking you up today, is there! I really don't need the condescention implicit in your little comment either, thanks. Get better soon. x'
CHRIS MADOCH: 'Mmm I think I deal with you 'wallowing' somewhat more constructively but I could be wrong, I very often am, particularly in relationships where it is me who does the bulk of all the positive driving. I have been here so many times before the signs have become a bit of a bore. Maybe I have an utterly archaic view of what a friendship is. The fact is that you have been insufferably insensitive. And, for your information, it is not a question of of getting better, BUT why would you know. You really have no idea and in the circumstances is far better for you not to comment at all. Yes I will be condescending when the occasion demands it and YOU thoughtlessly created that occasion.'
LEE HARDING: 'I really hope you're NOT saying you're "doing all the driving" with me - you KNOW the situation at this end. >:('
CHRIS MADOCH: 'In this instance you could have shown some sensitive circumspection- that is the least I would expect from a true friend, particularly since you are not in possession of the facts and seem not to want to be before you spout your mouth off. You complain about other people's bad behaviour soon enough. And yes, frankly I have had enough, I have had enough of many things, the multiplicity of disappointments in my life that are beyond my saving are way more than unbearable- it is pure torture. Now be a proper friend or get the fuck off my case.'
['Lee Harding had only been back on Facebook for two days after a ten day voluntary absence from the social network which had so upset him- someone had been less than kind to him. One has to wonder who exactly has the problem. It really does beggar belief- this guy is often in a dark place and I can say with total certainty that I have always been there for him empathising. It would never ever have occurred to me to say to him in any one of our weekly calls [always made by me] that he is wallowing in his complex predicament, throwing his toys out of the pram and should consider that there are many more people worse off than him. If I ever had done he would have hit the roof. Well this garrulous degree of double standards will not wash with me. No-one bullies me in such a thoughtless and insensitive way.
Nail number thirteen in the coffin of the cursed Queer Messiah Banned.
Nails six to twelve the broken promises and undertakings, all of which I believed.
Nails one to five the disappointments.
To add to the difficulties none of the artwork for The Queer Messiah Banned had anything to do with me ever and never was subject to my approval- Lee Harding unilaterally made that his sole province. The direction it was going in was not exactly to my liking.
All that to one side, the cracks had appeared over time and it needed just one electrifying piece of abusive interaction to signal the end. That end came today 10 July 2012 and all I feel is immense relief. I shall never return to a creative collaboration with a rock/pop musician ever again.
I am perfectly happy with what I achieved with Dominic Shaw on the album Cerulean Blue. As a Poet and a writer of poetic literary fiction my door remains open to classical composers who share my passion and work ethic.' CM]